Overweight & halfway!

YAY! I'm now officially overweight! I know, this sounds like a bad thing, but it's actually a good thing. I've now crossed the BMI line from obese into overweight. See? A good thing. I started this journey with a 39.2 BMI and I'm now down to 29.9!

The final goal will be to get into the "healthy/normal" zone. My current goal is to be around a few pounds around or directly at the healthy/underweight line, but we'll see. I'm not sure if that's even possible, considering my bone structure and I might look too thin before I get that low. For now I'm just focusing on little goals that don't seem so overwhelming.

I've lost 60# so far and not only did this change my BMI category, but it also marks the halfway point to my goal!
The next goal: 75# total loss; 15 #'s to go!
After that: Change BMI to "Healthy" ; 30#'s to go!

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 30

Day 30- A picture of you from five years ago and now, how have you changed since then?

Car
2006- My trusty 1995 Saturn
2011- Still my trusty Saturn

Living Arrangements
2006- living with my long time boyfriend in a two bedroom apartment in student housing on university grounds.

2011- living alone in a different two bedroom appartment, with my doggie, still on university grounds but in the faculty/staff section. Planning on moving into JG's home, (off campus), once I'm married. It'll be weird to consider myself a 'homeowner.'

Financial Situation
2006- Precarious. I was working full time while going to grad school full time. I was supporting myself and my boyfriend as we both were going to school. There were many nights of hot dogs and noodles.

2011- Stable. I have a good job with a decent income that allows me to easily afford my financial obligations and even start investing. I might need to cut back on this a bit in the upcoming year because of the additional expense of the wedding.

Health
2006-I was not healthy at all. I didn't excercise, I ate junk in too large of portions. I was very overweight and there wasn't much end to it in sight. Working full time and going to grad school full time while supporting Mac, left no time for me. I was incredibly stressed out and could barely sleep.

2011- Probably the healthiest I have been in about 10 years. My weight is WAY down. My blood tests are good. I'm exercising regularly and even running races. I've been learning how to cook the healthy way, portion control and moderating indulgences. My stress is very low and I manage it well. I get a good nights sleep nearly every night and I pay attention to getting enough water and vegetables in my diet. I'm hoping to keep my physical health a priority as wedding planning begins in earnest.

Love Life
2006- Was celebrating year 6 with my boyfriend. We were obviously very serious and it would be only a few months later that we'd be engaged.

2011- Engaged to a completely different, and 10x's better man. Wedding date is soon.

Education
2006- Months away from graduating with my Master's in HR and getting nervous about the lack of employment prospects. Without me earning a solid income, Mac and I couldn't survive financially.

2011- I'm done with my formal education, for now anyhow. I'm still toying with the idea of going back for my doctorate. There aren't any programs in my geographic area anyhow. I'm actually almost done paying off my student loans!!

Work
2006- Working for an insurance broker. Not particularly exciting or interesting but it paid the bills well enough and it was a job that didn't follow me home, giving me the time to devote to studying.

2011- I work in HR at a community college and LOVE my job. It's a career path that I see myself on for a long time.

Friendships
2006- My best friend was my boyfriend who I spent all my free time with. Since we both were in school full-time we had very little time to spend together. And since we love being together, we really didn't want to spend time with anyone else. We basically decided to bunker down together and did not really interact with others. When he left, you can imagine what a hole that left.

2011- I have a lot more friends these days. Of course not being in class or studying, really frees up time to meet new people and build relationships. I've also met a ton of new people through JG and although I still feel like this area of my life could use more focus, I'm happy with my social connections.

Relationship with Family
2006- It was decent enough. The family had stopped hazing my boyfriend and were starting to come around to the idea of giving him a chance. It was still awkward and stiff when we were together, but it was improved from the years before.

2011- Better and worse, depending on how you look at it. I have no communication with my parents and only occasional visits with my brothers (1-3 times a year). I don't speak with my extended family at all. This has been better for me since it has eliminated a lot of stress and drama. Unfortunately, a little of it has creeped back up. As a courtesy to my family, I called them to inform them of my engagement. This news was not well received. My intention was for that phone call to be the first and last contact I have with them in the foreseeable future.

Officially Coming Out of the WW Closet & Health Update

So I finally did it. I told someone in my life about this leg of my journey; the WW/ weight loss journey. I had dinner with my friend Elise and told her that I was doing WW. She was really positive and encouraging. She even shared with me that she did WW many years ago. So far she has been the only one, besides my co-worker who is doing it too, that knows. This was a few months ago.

For me, to be officially out of the WW closet, I have to tell my fiance. I've been working on building up to it and figuring out how to bring it up.

Lately I've had some health issues. I went in for my annual OBGYN appointment and was told I needed a mamogram for an unusual lump. I also have to do a variety of blood tests every year because I have chronically underperforming kidneys and liver. And since there's a family history, I get my sugar levels and cholesteral checked too.

Yesterday, I went and got my mamogram. I was told that the radiologist would call me that evening to tell me the results. I got a phone call, but from my OBGYN who was calling to tell me that she isn't happy with my cholesterol and liver results. BUMMER. I was really hoping that this year they would be good. Since they haven't improved with the weight loss and it continues to be a chronic thing, I'm being sent to a liver specialist.

This morning I got a call from the radiologist who says that the mamogram looks fine. He still wants me to do a ultrasound, but is confident that it'll come back fine too. WHEW!

So my health has been a topic of conversation between my fiance and I. I figure it was a good time to tell him about WW, why I have been doing it and what I've learning. He was really supportive and even said, "maybe you can teach me some of what you've been learning." lol.

I'm officially out of the closet!

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 28

Something you're proud of in the past few days and why?

Probably all the wedding preparations. We've been engaged less than a month and the wedding is in 4 months, in another state. We've really gotten a LOT done. I'm like the anti-bride in that I HATE to wedding plan and I don't enjoy this stuff at all. So I'm so happy that a lot of it has already come together.

We've found a ceremony and reception site (his brother's house)
We've got a florist (his dad) and decided on flowers
We've ordered and mailed the invitiations (and we got a KILLER deal on them)
Picked out tuxes and have ordered the guys to go get fitted
I've got an appointment to try on dresses
The Justice of the Peace is booked and confirmed
I've started a Pinterest to gather photos to help me find my 'vision'


All I really need is a dress and cake!

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 27

Day 27- Where is your life out of balance?

I'm pretty happy to report that my life is pretty well in balance at the moment. I've worked REALLY hard to get it there in the past few years. 

However, I feel like I'm still not getting enough "me" time where I can be reflective. There's always so much going on and so much to do, that I need to take a little time to reflect.

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 26

What are the achievements you are most proud of?

• Putting myself through school without the financial assistance of anyone. Further, having the financial drain of supporting someone else!
• Earning my Masters degree with the above complications, by age 23.
• Surviving a terrible heartache and thriving afterwards
• Becoming a sucessful adult, essentially, all by myself
• Training my puppy TiVo to be a good doggie
• I've been told that I'm a good hostess. I think this qualifies as an achievement in light of my upbringing. If you weren't family, you weren't allowed in the house. I've really had to pay attention to how other people treat me while I'm in their home and take mental notes. 

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 23

If you knew you only had one week to live, who would you spend your time with?

JG, my fiance, obviously.

But I'd like to also spend it with my closest friends. I think I would throw a big party and invite everyone to come. Kinda like a pre-funeral. You get to say goodbye to me now, rather than after I'm dead.

Surprise finding at OBGYN appointment

Yesterday I had my annual visit with my OBGYN. I was actually looking forward to it because I was sure that it would be a super great visit. I had lost 60# since last year's visit. I was ready for the doctor to be super impressed with me.

They do all the things you would expect an OBGYN to do for a 28 year old, including a breast exam. They found a lump. I'm being sent to get a mamogram and an ultrasound.

I'm trying not to freak out. There is zero family history so I've got that on my side. It's more than likely nothing, but still something that needs to be looked at.

The next available appointment isn't until December 7th, so I wait......

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 22

Day 22-If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?

Well.... 1 million isn't a whole lot of money these days. So I would need to be smart about it. I'm a little too practical.

• Purchase a life insurance policy that allows me to pull cash from it, as needed.
• Invest some of it in safer things like bonds and some in risky things
• I have no debt to pay off, so I would probably use it to avoid some future debt such as for the purchase of a car. But again, I'd keep it in a place that would be growing decent interest or serving a second purpose (life insurance).

I know, I'm boring.

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 21

A picture of something that makes you happy

This is a picture of my schnauzer and JG's shepard. They are hanging out in the "doggie duplex" that JG made for them. This picture makes me happy for lots of reasons.

1. JG made them a house to share. This was many months ago, prior to our engagement, and I just thought it was the sweetest thing that my doggie got his own room at JG's house. (I also used it to poke fun at him; "my dog gets his own room, but I can't get a drawer?!?!" )
2. They are just so darn cute!
3. They clearly love each other as much as JG and I do.
4. JG is handy with his hands and built the whole thing by himself (with some assistance from me. I helped paint it and held boards in place as he screwed it in)
5. It kinda represents us building a live together

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 20

Day 20- If you could tell your parents one thing about their parenting style that you liked, what would that be?
There's a lot of things about my parent's parenting style that I did not like while growing up and really don't like now that I think back as an adult. I've come to realize that how I grew up and the interaction I have/had with them is not considered normal. There are so many negative things I could point out, so I decided that I would: Stop. Reflect. Focus on the positive elements.

• My parents really let me have lots of time to myself; never overprotective or smothering 
• They stressed independence and self sufficiency
• This isn't really 'style' but I never had to worry about being uprooted. I never was concerned that I'd have to change schools, move houses or that the standard of living would change dramatically. Stable.

  That's really the only positive things I could think of. Kinda sad, I know, but it's true.

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 10

What is your most valuable (not necessarily most expensive) possession?

Well, a few weeks ago, I would have said that it was computer because it has all of my important documents and years worth of pictures.

But today, it is my engagement ring. JG just gave it to me last weekend when he proposed. I haven't had it long, but it means so much to me.

Obviously it symbolizes that he and I are getting married. It's a symbol of our future and the love and commitment of our relationship. But it also is a physical representation that I'm now part of a family. The rings belong to his grandmother who really wanted me to have them because she loves me so much. She and grandpa didn't have any money when they got married, so they bought these rings on their ten year anniversary. I know they both really love me and are very happy to have me wearing their rings.

The rings have been at the jewelers for the past week getting sized and maintained. I don't get them back until tomorrow. I can't wait to finally be able to wear them!!

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 9

What I would find in your purse? What does that say about you?

• My calendar in a leather portfolio. In the pockets of this porfolio it includes things that I need to follow up on, yahoo maps of the neighboorhoods around my friend's homes and information on upcoming events that are marked on the calendar.
• Digital Camera
• MP3 player
• Wallet with my business cards, other people's business cards, a little bit of cash, lots of reward/membership cards, ID, insurance info.
• Earmuffs
• Gloves
• Coupons, lots of them
• chapstick and lipstick
• Pens

 I thinks it's pretty reflective of who I am. I am organized and very busy. I get cold frequently and my lips need protection from the cold. I am practical; you never know when you will need a pen, a business card or a camera. And who doesn't have an MP3 player with them at all times??

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 8

What roles do you play in your life?

1. Co-worker
2. Employee
3. Representative for my employer to the public
4. Mommy to my puppy
5. Friend
6. Bride/Fiance

Which role is your major focus for next year?

My focus for next year will nedd to be on being a bride/fiance. I'm really not excited to plan the wedding. I'm much more excited to plan our marriage and start building a life together. However, it's important to his family that we have a wedding that they can all attend, so not wedding planning isn't an option. This is bound to be very stressful and complicated since we live in California and his family is in New York. I will need to focus on keeping calm and remembering that none of the wedding stuff matters; what matters is that we will be married and spending our lives together.

What are your goals for each role?

1. Co-worker
• Be supportive and helpful to my colleagues
2. Employee
• Get my work done and do exceedingly well at it
3. Representative for my employer to the public
• Treat all members of the public with respect and courtesy
4. Mommy to my puppy
• Take him on regular walks
• Care for him physically (grooming, vet, etc)
• Play with him daily
• Teach him 4 new tricks
5. Friend
• Support my friends when things get tough
• Visit/hang out with at least one friend, every two weeks
6. Bride/Fiance
• Keep calm
• Stay organized
• Stay on budget
• Keep the goal in mind

Anniversary Weekend

This weekend, JG and I went up to the Napa area for our two year anniversary. We had the absolute BEST time!

I'll need to spend a little more time on this blog to give you all the full details, however, the long of the short of it: We are engaged!!

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 6

Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?

This is a hard question because I really love my life and I love myself. But if I had to choose, then I would switch lives with my boss.

She's a super cool lady that I really look up to. She's 60 years old and run multiple marathons a year, she has a wonderful home life and she's really good at what she does. She has the job that I hope to have someday and it would be interesting to know what it would be like to have my life ambitions fufilled.

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 3

Short term goals for this month


1. Run 3 times a week (2-3 miles)- In preparation for my 5K on November 19th
2. Enjoy my anniversary weekend. Try not to think about work, over-analyze our relationship, worry about the weather, etc. Be in the moment.
3. Beat my 5K time
4. Find 2 new recipes
5. Lose 5#'s
6. Get up to speed on the reading for College Council

College Council

A few months ago, I threw my hat in the ring to be the representative from my employee group on College Council. Another person also raised their hand and so the group voted. I lost and the other person was appointed to the seat.

Luck would have it that this same person resigned from the college a few months later and therefore the seat was once again vacant. It was opened back up to the group for anyone to express interest and no one did, which meant, by default, I won!

Yesterday was my very first College Council and it was quite interesting. I've got a lot of reading to do and probably a lot of phone calls to make since I'm sure to have lots of questions. College Council is part of the shared governance model used on campus and we make recommendations to the President regarding insitutional decisions.

I'm looking forward to learning more about shared governance, first hand and making a difference.

30 Day Blogging challenge- Day 2

Since it is November and Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching, I thought this was a good question to reflect upon.

What am I most grateful for? Have your shown appreciation for this person/quality/thing?

I'm most grateful for my friends. They have been there for me during some really terrible times and have really stepped up to take over the role of family to me. Without them, I would have very little sense of connection to other people and not the slightest clue of the sense of family.


I try to show my appreciation to my friends. I think I could do a better job of it. Perhaps that will be a goal for me.

30 Day Blogging Challenge- Day 1

Day 1- Recent picture of yourself and 15 interesting facts about you. 20 things you like about yourself. What makes you different from everyone else?

15 Interesting Facts

1. I finally joined my generation and bought an MP3 player, two months ago
2. I have never, ever been thin or even close
3. I suffer from high self esteem
4. I have a two year old mini schnauzer named TiVo, yes after the DVR. Interestingly: I don't own a DVR
5. I've been bungee jumping, sky diving and paragliding
6. I've been to Spain and Uruguay, but never Mexico or Canada.
7. I'm functionally an orphan, just not technically
8. I actually work in the industry in the subject matter I majored in
9. I have only lived in 4 places, ever
10. I do not celebrate any religious holidays, in any way, including Christmas (which, yes, in case your forgot it is suppose to be religious). That's right: no tree, presents, lights, holiday baking, or even holiday greetings. It is not the automatic default holiday for people with no religion; it's a holiday for Christians.
11. I've got more surrogate/adoptive family members than actual biological family
12. I LOVE pizza. It's kinda a sickness
13. I have a really awesome boyfriend!
14. I prefer frozen yogurt to ice cream
15. I have huge feet: size 9.5

20 Things I like about myself

1. I have great eyes; a deep blue with flecks of dark brown
2. I'm independent and self sufficient
3. I'm financially responsible
4. I have good taste in clothes
5. You can count on me to do what I said I would
6. I have confidence in myself that I can do and overcome anything
7. I have developed and established healthy boundaries with various people in my life, resulting in positive changes in our relationships
8. I'm funny
9. I have good hair that is extremely cooperative with styling
10. I survived the deepest heartache with strength of spirit and resiliency, when turning into a hermit sounded good and would have been completely understandable.
11. I'm logical and make sound decisions
12. I have pretty teeth
13. I can distinguish between wants and needs and be disciplined enough to act accordingly
14. I'm putting my needs first, so that I can be a healthier and better person for the people around me
15. I know what I believe and try to live consistently within those beliefs, even despite a lot of social pressure to conform.
16. I'm pretty cute
17. I'm a very good baker
18. I've been told that I'm an excellent hostess.
19. I always try to be the bigger person and extend courtesies and forgiveness in tough situtations
20. I know how to apologize (an amazing feat considering my upbringing)

This was hard!

What makes you different from everyone else?

Probably my sense of self and my general perspective on life.

30 Day Blogging Challenge

I decided to re-commit to blogging this journey I'm on. It's important that I write what's on my mind to help me examine my own self. This journey I was forced into three years ago, depends entirely on self reflection, honesty with myself and critical thinking. It's about understanding where I am today and the decisions I'm making. It's about learning from my past to make a better future.

To help, I've set out 30 days worth of blogging topics to write about. Let's see if I can do it! Many of you have seen this blog challenge before, but I'm not following the predefined template. I took some of it, deleted the topics I didn't like, and added new ones. I want to really reflect on things with only a few days of light, easy topics.

• Day 1- Recent picture of yourself and 15 interesting facts about you. 20 things you like about yourself. What makes you different from everyone else?
• Day 2- What am I most grateful for? Have your shown appreciation for this person/quality/thing?
• Day 3- Short term goals for this month
• Day 4- Habit you wish you didn't have. What habit do you wish you DID have? How will you adopt this habit?
• Day 5- What have you always wanted to try? What will you do to make it happen, this year?
• Day 6- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?
• Day 7- Picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
• Day 8- What roles do you play in your life? Which role is your major focus for next year? What are your goals for each role?
• Day 9- What I would find in your purse? What does that say about you?
• Day 10- What is your most valuable(not necessarily most expensive) possession ?
• Day 11- Envision the ideal dynamic between yourself and your spouce/ imaginary spouce. What does it look like? What does it feel like? How does it function?
• Day 12- What have you most enjoyed doing in your life?
• Day 13- Where do you get energy from? What takes energy away from you?
• Day 14- Picture of you and your family
• Day 15- What's one regret you live with? If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?
• Day 16- What is your favorite childhood memory?
• Day 17- What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?
• Day 18- What is your mission? What are your Plans/dreams/goals you have. How does your mission and your goals line up? Identify objectives to reach the goal.
• Day 19- What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?
• Day 20- If you could tell your parents one thing about their parenting style that you liked, what would that be?
• Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
• Day 22- If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
• Day 23- If you knew you only had one week to live, who would you spend your time with?
• Day 24- What do you hesitate to admit about yourself?
• Day 25- In this past month, what have you learned?
• Day 26- What are the achievements you are most proud of?
• Day 27- Where is your life out of balance?
• Day 28- Something you're proud of in the past few days and why?
• Day 29- What do I want for my life?
• Day 30- A picture of you from five years ago and now, how have you changed since then?

6 months of WW

I've now been on WW for 6 months. This is the longest amount of time that I have committed to losing weight, other than my adolescence which was more of a disorder than anything else.

I think this is because WW isn't a diet, it's a way of thinking about food and a lifestyle. I've made some very positive changes in how I think and respond to food. This is about a permanent change to my way of life and the development of a healthy lifestyle and relationship with food.

As I get older, I've come to realize how little my parents helped me to develop healthy eating attitudes and a taste for the nutritious. I've realized how much of my mother's issues with food and body image, have shaped mine and most importantly, I've realized that I don't want that for my own kids. If I have kids, I want them to understand what balanced eating is, appropriate portions, the understanding that treats are treats and not everyday foods, that exercise is a daily activity (even for grown ups) and that food fuels you to do the things you love to do, not food is a substitute for love. I want them to have an almost, "well, duh mom!" reaction when I talk to them specifically about these things; eating properly is second nature and they do it automatically.

Successes:
- I've lost 50 #'s!
- I have put on my jeans from my junior year of college! They are just now starting to get a little baggy.
- I've had to buy new undies since I can barely keep the old ones up!
- I've finally gotten under 200#'s which is a number I haven't seen in a long time! Since I know that it's common to experience a plateau around the 6 month mark, I wanted to get under this number before this day arrived.
- I ran a 5K in 42:15 which is an average of 13:38  minute/mile. Not too shabby!
- I bought a ski jacket in July that was too small (it was a GREAT deal), with the goal of it fitting by Xmas. It fits!!! I still need to shrink some more so that there's room for a few layers of clothing too, but it FITS!
- I have created cheater cards for dinning out that are always in my wallet. I can make good choices even for unplanned outings.
-I have been keeping my promise of rewarding myself for milestones.

Challenges:

- I have no clothes to wear! As I've been shrinking out of my clothes, I've been giving them away. I have very few clothes from my 'skinnier days'. I don't have a ton of money to be buying new clothes all the time, but I have to look presentable for work and some occasions.
- Eating out at smaller restaurants remains a challenge. I love that large restaurants are required to have nutritional information; it makes planning and tracking easier. Unfortunately, the smaller, mom and pop place's don't have this. I guess as best I can.
- It's getting cold outside and I'm getting lazy! As winter approaches, I find it hard to get out of my warm bed and freeze for 20 minutes while I wait for my body to warm up with my exercise. Combine that with the holiday food that is starting to roll out and I'm going to be in trouble!

Changes:

- My body is looking great! Everything keeps shrinking, except the boobs, thankfully (I don't have a lot of that to spare!). My hourglass shape is really coming into focus.
- I no longer think whole wheat bread is gross.
- I discovered that I like yellow squash
- I've revamped my recipe book to include all the quick and healthy foods I've discovered. I will keep this going.

Plans:
-I'm signed up to do another 5K in November. I want to do another in December and January so that I'm most likely to stay focused during the dangerous holiday time. Since I've already been slacking in the exercise, I need all the tools I can get to keep focused.
- I'm going to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in a week to celebrate my 2nd year anniversary with JG. I fear not fitting into the seats. Logically I know it'll be fine, but I still have that nagging fear.
- I'm going back to NYC for Xmas break and I'm planning on shocking JG's relatives!  If I stay on target, I will have lost nearly 70# since they saw me last year. I will be buying a few new pieces of clothes to show off my new body and to keep my wussy California body warm!
- Get a smart phone. Since I'll be in NYC for nearly 2 weeks without my own computer to log-on, I need a smart phone with a WW app so that I can track. I won't be able to weigh in since I'll be away from my scale, but at least I'll be able to track.
- Make a plan to deal with the NYC food. Last year, I thought I was going to explode with bagels and pizza and junk food. I swear, I didn't see a veggie or a fruit the entire time! I need to make a shopping list and shop the first day (though I remember the selection in the market being awful). My friend also told me about FreshDirect.com which apparently you can order fresh produce and they will deliver it any of the 5 boroughs. I'm going to check this out.
- I need to host or attend a clothing swap party to get some "new" clothes.
- I think it's time I tell those closest to me about this. They know I've been working really hard on myself these past few years, but I haven't let them in on this one facet. It might be time.

All in all, things are going really good. I'm not struggling to stay committed to eating well. Only occasionally will I have the craving to eat junk food and I can usually ignore it. I know that my body will not respond kindly if I indulge and I feel so much better when I give my body proper nutrition with occasional treats.

The circle is getting larger

I've mentioned before that I'm in this journey alone. I have no family or friends who know about the weight loss element of my journey. They know about my overall journey and struggle to rebuild and grow, following the abandonment of my fiance. They don't know about this new leg of the journey.

However the circle of people who know has actually grown from including only myself to two co-workers in the past few weeks.

The co-worker who gave me the shirt 'she was swimming in' has been talking about how unhappy she is with her body since she had her baby a year ago. Another co-worker went to WW years and years ago, learned what she needed and she's still very slim and trim. So this shirt co-worker has been pondering aloud joining WW since she's heard about our other co-worker's success and I think seeing me shrink has irritated her (even though she didn't know I was on WW). I recently told her that I was doing it with WW and that did it, she joined!

The past few weeks, there's another co-worker who've I've noticed has made some changes to her lunches. Going from Digorno pizza to WW box lunches. We struck up a conversation about the lunches, since I too eat frozen lunches everyday (It's my one cheat. I cook breakfast and dinner, everyday. Too lazy to pack a lunch). I'd been eating these lunches even before I joined WW because they are yummy, affordable and I can store a weeks worth of them in the work freezer; I can't ever forget my lunch at home.

Since we were in the middle of a crowded break room, I didn't want to ask her if she was on the program or just eating the yummy food. So I emailed her and she said she'd just joined a few weeks ago! At that point, I let her know I was doing it too. We're both closet cases since we both feel like everyone is staring at us or will criticize our food choices throughout the process. We're keeping each other's secret for now.

My inner-circle has widened to include two more.

I think it might be time to tell others in my life, but not quite yet. At first, I really didn't want anyone to know, in part, because what if it didn't work for me? Then I'd be, quite literally, a big fat flunky. Now that I've lost just about 50#'s I'm starting to feel like I'm ready to share. I've got two close friends who are constantly battling their weight and looking for a way to deal with it. I think my sharing with them will not only bring us closer as friends, but perhaps point them in the direction to get the help they've been wanting. There's still other reasons why I haven't shared and I'm still working my way through that.

Too thin?

Lately the people at work have been a little obsessive about my body.

At first they would make a comments like, "You look great. New hair cut? Something is different." Then it was obvious that the difference was that I had lost some weight. Then the comments turned to "Wow, you look great. How much have you lost? Are you on some kind of plan? etc." Now the comments are changing again. I've now been getting the question of "When are you going to stop? You look too thin."

The reality is, I'm still 40# over the Healthy/ Overweight BMI line. So when I tell people I plan on loosing around 50-60#'s more, they freak! They say, "oh, no. Just loose 20 more and then stop and evaluate. You'll realize your too thin and will look sick. Only loose a littlle bit more."

Granted, I have a large bone structure, so I probably would look sick if I was on the lower end of the healthy weight range. But I want to be solidly in the middle of that range. Everyone is freaking out about me wanting to get into a healthy range.

I'm trying to ignore these comments that I should only loose a little more. I know that I need to loose significantly more for my health and that this is something that is going to go on for another year or so; it's not just a quick 10-20#'s away.

I'm starting to think that it's not my weight that people are freaking out about. I think that it might be their own issues. They are so use to me being bigger than them. The thought of me being even close to the same size has them freaked out. I mentioned in an earlier blog about a co-worker who gave me a shirt to wear. She told me multiple times that day that 'she was practically swimming in it, so it should fit me just fine.' The reality is, it was big on me too. The reality is, she's not a small thing either. The reality is, she's insecure about her own body and can't admit to herself that she's not tiny.

I think this might be more of the same. I need to not listen to those people who are telling me that I'm too thin. The medical realiaty is, I'm still well above where I should be. I only need to be listening to me and my doctor.

Boating on the Bay

My friend Dayne was in town for a few days, but I'd already agreed to go to San Fran on one of those days; Dayne was on his own for a while. JG's snoody prep school was having a SF Chapter of the Alumni Association social function. We were going on a Rocketboat from Pier 39 around the bay. Unfortunately, that morning we were informed that the Rocketboat was broken and we'd be on a regular boat. The plus side: free rain-check tickets to the Rocketboat.

We had a great time on the water and at the reception that followed. I met two of JG's old classmates and heard all about this private boarding school they attended. It sounded a lot like Hogwarts! lol.

My buddy, Dayne

My good friend, Dayne, came to visit me this weekend. I've known Dayne pretty much all my life. In our Jr. year of high school, he moved away and stayed away. He lived his life in Southern California and mine moved to Northern. We've remained close and talk at least monthly.

We just always have had a hard time getting to each other to visit; we just lived so darn far away. A few years ago, he migrated from SoCal to the Central Valley, so it was marginally closer. The last time I saw him was December 2009 when he invited me to spend the holidays with his family. JG and I had barely started dating, so he was in NYC with his family and I didn't have the option of going to my family. I took the two week window to do a little road trip and visit as many of my friends as I could, including a sizable amount of time with him.

I've lived in Monterey for about 8 years now, and he has never once visited me. This weekend, he and his mom came out and we had the best time!

December 2009

Since he hasn't seen me since 2009, I've lost about 35#'s (I lost a lot the first year Mac was gone, saw Dayne 30# lighter,  then I put 15# back on the first year with JG, then lost 50# since then). So to see his expression when he saw me was great.

October 2011

I tried out two WW recipies on him: Apple Slaw and Orange-Pineapple Duck (although I used chicken). Super delicious; try them! I mostly stayed on-plan though I did indulged in a jalepeno chedder bagel with spinach & bacon cream cheese (my fav), two cookies, pancakes, and a spoonful of ice cream. Combined with my trip to San Fran, I wasn't a disciplined as I usually am. Despite that, I still lost 0.4#'s.

But we had a great time catching up and spending time together. We went for a walk along the water, did the driving tour of Monterey and he got to spend some time with JG. They both wanted to meet each other since they are the two main men in my life.

Dr. Oz & My first Meeting

Dr. Oz (the TV doctor) joined up with WW and is doing "Transformation Nation" which basically encourages people to assess their current health on a variety of levels, get a check up by their doctor, do an official weigh in with WW and go to a free meeting. In April, you have to go back to WW and do another official weigh in.

The goal is to loose 10% of your current weight by then. Everyone who completes the various elements of the challenge is eligible to win 1million dollars.

Since I'm already doing WW, I might as well get signed up for the chance to win money! So, I went down to my local WW's and did my official weigh in and stayed for my first meeting.

I was surprised at how many people were there on a Friday morning (I took a vacation day). As you would guess, mostly older people, but there was probably 30 people there! There was even a fair number of men! I wish that I'd gone to a Saturday meeting where I'd have more of a chance of meeting people closer to my age, but that's ok.

While I was there, I checked out some of the WW products and even bought a book on vegtables and fruits. I really like this book because it talks about how to pick good produce, how to store the various vegtables, cooking tips and recipies. I also got an oil sprayer so that I could keep it in my office and get an oil portion with my lunches.

The meeting was about why we started WW and using that to keep motivated. My reasons are deep and I live it every moment, so for me, this isn't an issue.

We also talked about having a physical touchstone so that you can see your progress. Some people have a charm bracelet that they add new charms when they loose a certain amount. Others sew buttons onto their purse for each pound. Others have a jar of paperclips; one clip per pound. Something that they can see a lot and remind themselves of the work they are doing.

I was thinking about this and I don't have anything like this at all. Again, for me, I never forget what I'm doing or why; it's key to my core. But I am kinda liking the idea of somthing like this. Right now, I'm stashing money for a whole new wardrobe and a new bike. I put money aside each month into a special account based on how much I lost this month. I guess each dollar would be like a paper clip or a button. Problem is, I don't see it everyday. I can't touch it. I will think about this some more.

A week of Firsts

This week was my first gain since starting WW. I expected it and hoped it wasn't too bad. It wasn't:  0.6#'s. However, I've been pretty much stuck at about the same weight for the past three weeks and I'm really hoping to get back on track.

I know it's totally in my control and if I work hard this week, I should see a least a little loss. I know that the past few weeks I haven't gotten as much exercise and I've been indulging a bit. I earned that 0.6#.

Another first was that I actually told someone I am doing WW. My co-worker has been talking about joining WW for months since she's unhappy with her post-pregnancy body. Another co-worker did WW years and years ago and recommended it to her. She's been debating it for a while now and I finally told her that I was doing it. Since I've lost about 45# in 5 months, she has decided to join.

This is the co-worker who refuses to acknolwedge that I'm now actually smaller than her. She acknowledges that I have lost a substancial amount of weight, but makes comments about our relative sizes. I believe she just can't see herself accurately, and/or she is too competative. It's quite annoying. For that reason, I almost didn't tell her so that I could get SO much smaller that she'd have to admit that I'm smaller. But I decided to be the bigger person and share my method so she could enjoy better health.

I still am not ok sharing it with the world and told her to keep it to herself. She promised she would, but I bet it'll get out anyhow.

Paddle boating

This weekend, JG and I decided to play tourist. We went to El Estero Park and went paddle boating! I've lived in monterey for about 8 years and I'd never done it. It's a fun little activity and we had a good time floating around the lake and holding hands. You can rent the boat for a hour or a half hour and we picked the hour. Honestly, you can do the whole think in a half hour, but that's ok.

While out there, you watch the birds and the other people. There was one couple with a both a large man and woman on it. The weight of these two, particularly the woman, actually caused the front end of the boat to dip into the water causing extra drag.

Kudos for her for not caring and participating anyhow. It made me think about myself. Even a few pounds ago, I don't think I would have said 'yes' to this, for fear of that very same thing. That and the fear that my side would be noticeably less buoyant than JG's. Thankfully neither was the case.

We had a great time on a beautiful day and I can't wait for our next adventure!

How do I look?

As of today, I've lost 40#'s since starting WW on April 27, 2011. I've dropped several sizes and my body is changing shape.

I've recieved some positive comments at work and that's been really nice. I visited my brother a few weeks ago and he said, "You look terrific!" which was very sweet. My friend's kid (10 years old with no filter) told me that I 'looked strange.' I'm going to assume that he ment it as a good thing and he just could put his finger on what was different about me.

Strangely, those closest to me haven't said a word.

This weekend, I had to work. Since I was conducting interviews, I needed to be dressed up. I put on a classic black skirt, a new blouse in a complimentary color, a pair of cute black heels, pretty earrings and even a bit of make up. I thought I looked HOT! The outfit flattered my new curves, made me look tall and my butt rockin'.

JG? He didn't say a word. He looked at me as though I was wearing my usual jeans, sneakers and a button down shirt. Honestly, it crushed me a little. I mean, here I was thinking that I was a knock out and he doesn't so much as raise an eyebrow! Then I get to work and my committee is there and they don't say anything either!

I was super disappointed that no one else thought I looked great.

Cleaning the Garage

In the week following Mac's disappearance, I learned that he was alive and "ok." Then, I started to remove his things from the apartment. I just couldn't stand to look at it. I was hurt, angry and a mess. I started to move it out as a commitment and a promise to myself that under no circumstances is he allowed back.

I stockpiled all of his things in the garage and waited. Waited for him to communicate with me about how he wanted to retrieve his things. To talk to me about what happened. But as you know..... silence. Its was frustrating. I mean, I have his passport, green card, tax returns. Important stuff. He didn't even care enough about me or it to talk to me. You can imagine how that made me feel.

The first year he was gone and I heard nothing, I pretty much avoided the garage. I didn't want to look at his stuff. I couldn't.

The second year, just after I finally heard from him. I shredded his important documents, even his passport, green card and birth certificate. I started to rummage through the rest of it and found lots of things that were cool/useful or I still needed. I was able to look at it. Touch it. And not get emotional. It became just stuff.

We're approaching the third year anniversary of his abandonment (December 2011) and I think I'm finally ready. I'm ready to make final, definitive choices about every last bit of it.

My plan for this weekend is to go through it all and get it ALL sorted.

Destroy pile
Donate pile
Keep (only for useful; no sentimental reasons) pile

There's a wooden chest in the garage that holds papers. As you may or may not know, Mac and I met online and had a three year relationship over the Internet before finally meeting each other and planning his year long move to California. I have all our emails and IM's from our relationship in this chest. It also has presents, cards from flowers and other extremely personal correspondences and knick-knacks.

This is the only items that I hesitate to look at or make decisions about. I know that I need to destroy it all, but there's a part of me that want to read them all one last time before they go through the shredder. I don't know why. I don't know why I get a lump in my throat at the thought of it. I don't know why I feel like I can't give it up before I have something else to replace it (ie: a real commitment from JG).

But I know that I need to do this. I need to do this for me. I need to do this for my relationship with JG. I know that once this last bit is finally taken care of, he'll feel the difference in me. I think he'll be more confident to take the next step with me.

BAD week!

Oh what a week! This was definitely not an On-Plan week! They say that you should expect that 80% of the time, you can stick to the plan, but that 20% of the time your schedule/plan gets tossed out the window. That was my week.

I started out good. Monday = on-plan. Tuesday=on plan. Wednesday, the wheels started to come off! A committee that I was coordinating decided to go for Chinese food for a 'working lunch.' I tried to pick good things. I even used the WW cheat sheet on Chinese buffets. Problem was this wasn't a buffet and I didn't get to choose my meal or how much of each item.

Thursday= half on-plan. I ended up, unexpectedly, leaving work early and road-tripped it down to my home town where I met up with my only sane relative, my younger brother. He's blessed with a high metabolizism, which is good because he eats the worst food! We went for burritos as a local place. I had to guess how many points. I decided to use the Chipotle points already available in WW; The portion was smaller, so I'm sure I over pointed for it, but better safe than sorry. It was really tough to stay on plan around my brother. He was constantly eating a sugary treat of candy or cookies. Since he's polite, he'd always offer some to me.

Friday! I had breakfast at a "greasy spoon" restaurant. I did the best I could: 2 pieces of whole wheat toast, 1 egg, an 8oz glass of orange juice and two sausage links. I don't have a smart phone, so I didn't realize how terrible those links are!! 10 points EACH! Of course I didn't find this out until the following day when I had access to my computer, so the rest of Friday I was clueless about how many points I had left. I figured to be safe, I'd have a low point sandwich from Subway. I did some shopping and I'm sure I burned a few points doing that, but didn't track it. Friday night my brother wanted to take me to a Hawaiian BBQ place. He recommended a dish, and I ordered it. I should have asked more questions. A valuable lesson. Two of the elements were deep fried. It came with two large scoops of white rice AND a scoop of macaroni salad! Talk about a BAD choice! I didn't eat the 'salad' because I don't like mayo. I ate only one scoop of rice and tried to peel off the deep fried bits of my food.

Saturday I tried to get back on plan. I was road-tripping it back up the State to my home. I started the morning with a strawberry/blueberry fruit parfait from the grocery store with lowfat vanilla yogurt and a granola topping. Where I went wrong was the chocolate milk. Little did I know how many points that was! I finally made it home and had a vegetarian snack and then off to a birthday party where a professional chef was cooking! Heaven help me! I had too much meat, but otherwise did ok. I said no to cake and ice cream but yes to strawberries with chocolate dipping sauce.

Sunday.... not much better. Spent the day with the boyfriend, who as I've mentioned, doesn't know I'm on WW. I did ok with breakfast. Lunch was a little on the bad side and I went overboard on dinner.

End result: Over my weekly and activity points by 14! I've never run out of points! I was really dreading my weigh in this morning. I knew I deserved a 'gain' but I was very lucky and neither lost nor gain: exactly the same, to the tenth decimal.

I suppose it's actually not a bad thing, since the program keeps yelling at me that "I'm losing too quickly."This should lower my average!

Anyhow, I'm planning on it being a good week, a very good week. The weekdays should be great and then my boyfriend goes out of town for work for the next 8 days, which means the next two weekends should be easy too. I should be able to get back on plan and do it really well for the next two weeks.

Day 90- WW

This is my 90th day on WW. I thought I should write a blog post about my thoughts, successes, challenges, changes, plans, etc.

Successes:
*I've lost 30 pounds!
*I fit into my old clothes again
*I've gained an awareness of my food choices and proportions
*I can run 3 miles/ 46 minutes. I couldn't run more than 10 minutes before this.

Challenges:
*My back. I strained it a little over a month ago and it took a while to get over. I worked out hard this morning. We'll see if I pay for it tomorrow.
*The weekends! I spend it with my boyfriend, who doesn't know I'm on WW and eats differently.
*Eating out. I have pretty much avoided it since starting the plan. That's not realistic.

Changes:
*Noticeably smaller waist
*Thighs are gaining some definition
*I've starting taking the extra minute in the morning to put on mascara

Plans:
*I WILL RUN a 5 or 10K in October. I will begin training next week
*The boyfriend mentioned being unhappy with his current weight, so hopefully he'll be more open to eating WW friendly foods on the weekend with me; He'll be supporting me, even if he doesn't realize it!
*I will continue to work hard and reward myself at milestones.
*I will download the nutritional information of my favorite restaurants and figure out the point values of the food. Then I will make 'cheater cards' that will fit in my wallet. Then even unplanned food stops with friends won't be so scary.

Thoughts:
Overall, I think I'm doing pretty darn good. I've consistently lost weight each week. ::crossing my fingers, not to jinx myself:: I know I'll hit a gain or a flat line at some point, but I think I'd be better able to handle it now that I've got a few weeks under my belt.

I'm looking forward to the next 90 days.

Run Forrest Run!

Forrest Gump is my all time favorite movie. Every time I watch it, I think, "wow, that's a lot of running! He really does "run like the wind blows' and he looks so free. I wish I could do that."

Though I don't think anyone can run the entire country, I think I could manage a 5K or even a 10K. My 60 year old boss does marathon's a half dozen times per year and I figure, if she can run, so can I!

To further inspire me: my friend Emily. Emily is doing Team in Training (TNT) and is going to be walking a marathon. This will be a big achievement for Emily as she is very overweight and struggles with motivation. This weekend was a "buddy run" where they could bring an non-TNT person along. Even dogs were allowed. So I went with Emily and my puppy TiVo. It was a 6 mile outing and I thought, "what better time to see if I could do a 5K (roughly 3 miles)?" I decided that I would run the first half, then wait for my friend who was walking, and walk the 3 miles back.

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it that far. I don't know how far I can run because I only run by time; I run for 30 minutes and however far that is, is how far it is; I have no way of tracking distance. I try to add a minute for every run. I haven't been running in weeks because of my back, but I felt like it would be ok after giving it two weeks of 'off time.'

I DID IT! I RAN 3miles!! And I didn't do it in too bad of time: 46 minutes. Roughly a 15 minute mile. My thighs hurt, which is good. I've been trying to learn how to run properly. I usually have all the muscle action in my calves and none in my thighs. Your calves are a smaller muscle group so to run with them is exhausting and you don't get far. So I'm happy my technique is getting better. I felt like I could physically run farther, but mentally I was having a hard time pushing myself to do it.
So, right now, I could do a 5k. My dilemma is: do I run a 5K and focus on improving my speed? Or do I try for the 10K? I've got until October to train, but I have to sign up in September. What do you think?
5K?
10K?

A new Nephew

This morning I got a text from my brother informing me that my nephew was about to make his entrance into the world. I'm still waiting for the news that he's arrived and learning what his name will be.
I live a few hours away and I don't have much, if any, contact with my family. Just text messages of major announcements. So I'm not going to be there when he's born. I wasn't there when my niece was born 3 years ago, either. But I plan on going down there in a few weeks to meet the little one, just like I did the last time with my niece.

This has caused me to remember a picture that was taken three years ago. My first picture with my niece. I remember how unhappy I was with how I looked. There was also a picture taken with my fiancé with my niece and I. Now the man and the pounds are gone!

After I lost my fiancé, I spent the following year focusing on me and processing the grief and figuring out how to be me again. I lost 30 pounds that year. Then I kept it off for the last year.

Now I'm on WW and have lost another 17 pounds.

I still have a long way to go, but knowing that I will feel/look better in my first picture with my nephew, makes me smile.... even if I do have to suffer through the rest of the family to take that picture. I even have a new man to take a picture with! (But I'll be nice to him and not put him through that)

My Gym

I admit, I'm quite fortunate. I'm a young, single gal living in a two bedroom apartment in Monterey, CA. It's just me and my dog. I'm particularly fortunate to have an extra bedroom to make into my personal gym.

This room is my physical reminder of the need for daily activity. It is my place for me. The room is pretty bare. It contains:


*A treadmill, which is usually folded up and has resistance bands dangling from it (a handy rack). I bought a treadmill second-hand and have discovered that it doesn't excite me enough to use it. I've discovered workout videos.

*An erasable calendar where I boldly write my weekly weigh-in results and the grand total loss in the corner.

*There's a long coffee table where two (yes, two) televisions and DVD players sit. Why two? Well, I have a 27" and a 13" TV, side by side. Sometimes workout videos can be a little..... boring after the 100th time. So once I've got the routine down, I'll start playing it on the 13" screen and put something more entertaining on the 27" while using the little TV to keep me on pace.


*A mat to help absorb the impact on my joints and for ab work

*The closet contains workout clothes including clothes that I hope to fit into again. It's particularly sad when you don't fit into workout clothes; an extra layer of irony.

* My trusty scale. Though I'm thinking about trading it in for one that measures body fat too.

*And the shelf above the clothing bar, contains my DVD selections, both workout and entertainment.

*One thing it doesn't have: a clock. And I kinda like it that way.

I plan on getting some wall decals to liven up the place. Maybe some inspirational quotes, some whimsical, artistic things. Maybe some bold, loud geometric shapes. I'm not really sure yet.

I love that this place is for me. I feel a little protective of it. I often keep the door closed when others are over and I'm sure many of my friends must wonder, "what on earth does she keep behind that door!?!"

There is really only one area of my life that I'm less than confident: my body/weight. So to share with others that my gym exists, especially since my weight is posted right on the wall, is a little scary. I don't even like to admit that I work out! I also haven't told anyone that I'm on WW.

I had a bit of a breakthrough recently. The boyfriend was staying over and in the morning I got up at my normal time and went to my gym and worked out! Granted, I locked the door so he couldn't interrupt me if he woke up, but STILL! To be working out with him just in the next room is big.

For now, I think that this room will remain, just mine.

All the Wrong Attention

I read a lot of posts and blogs about the positive comments people are receiving from their co-workers and friends about their weight loss. I can't wait to start getting these nods from the people around me.

I've lost 17 pounds in about 2 months and the only person who seems to notice, is me.

Not only am I the only one who has noticed, but I'm getting the OPPOSITE reactions! It seems as though my weight loss has only called attention to how fat I am.

I had an interview for another job last week. In preparation for the interview, I was test wearing outfits and my co-workers were giving their feedback. So on one of these days, my secretary repeatedly commented on how huge my calves were. She apparently meant it as a compliment as she hates her toothpick legs.

The next day, another co-worker brings in a shirt for me to try on with my suit. She repeatedly commented on how 'it's so big on me. I practically swim in it, so it should fit you fine.' Mind you, this co-worker isn't a little thing either!

::SIGH:: At a time when I should be feeling good about myself and my body, I'm feeling like I'm even bigger than I was before I started.

1 Month on WW

I've really been enjoying WW so far. It's keeping me focused on good habits such as drinking water, exercising and getting my fruits and veggies. And it's been paying off. In one month, I've dropped 11 pounds.

My understanding is that you loose more in the first few weeks and then you loose small amounts from there on out. I think I might have hit that point.

This past week, I only lost 0.4 pounds.

Which is better than nothing. And actually, considering what a week it's been, I should be darn proud that I maintained and even lost a bit.

At work it was the annual BBQ, followed by a co-worker's birthday party the next day, and a friend's birthday that Sunday. There was lots of tempting foods, foods that I didn't know the point values of and limited choices. I did 'alright' I suppose. I tried a little of everything, but kept my overall consumption reasonable. I did indulge in some of the sweets, but also had lots of fruits and veggies. I also worked out a lot in the days leading up to these food-crazed days.

Even though I know maintaining/small loss is good, considering the above, I feel a little disappointed. Worse, I'm feeling unmotivated and almost "what's the point"? I'm still around my 240 mark, which is a plateau that I have yet to get through on my own; hopefully WW will get me through. I'm trying to positive talk myself into be more accepting of this small loss, but it's a struggle.

Compounding this, is the upcoming weekend is sure to be challenging as well. The thought of having two disappointing weigh ins is daunting to my esteem. This weekend will be a 4-day weekend with the boyfriend (who doesn't know I'm on WW, but does know I'm being more thoughtful about food choices) which will include a professional baseball game outing.

I tend to not be so good on the weekend because I'm often with the boyfriend and away from a computer where I can log my points. I still write everything down on a piece of paper, but I have to ballpark my points in my head. It's not until I can get to a computer and log everything in, do I know how I did.

I think it may be time for me to get a smart phone so I can log wherever I am.

Meet the potential future"In Laws"!

December 19-January 2, 2011

JG and I have been together a little over a year now, and I guess it was time to 'meet the family.' Since his family is in New York City, I got to take a trip! I'd never been to NY and all of a sudden I was on a plane to spend two weeks there in the middle of winter!

I'm a born and raised California girl. Not just a Caligirl, but a Coastal Caligirl. Cold for me is 50degrees and hot is 80. I don't do extreme climates, so I was very nervous about this whole trip. Thankfully the girls in JG's circle of friends are from cold climates and they loaned me clothing so that I wouldn't die. I didn't want to buy clothes because that's a lot of money to spend if this is the only trip I go on and 2) Coastal California doesn't sell clothes that are warm enough anyhow.

It's a good thing I borrowed clothing because it was freezing! Then in the middle of my stay, a blizzard! YES A BLIZZARD! 20 inches of snow. I had never seen snow fall before and I got my fill. We spent a few days digging ourselves out.

But more than anything, I was nervous about meeting JG's family. My family isn't what you'd call, normal, so family time is associated with negative feelings. Especially around the holidays (my grandmother once tried to beat me up at christmas in a drunken rage).

But JG's family is GREAT! They are all so kind, open, and welcoming. It was honestly a little overwhelming.

JG's grandpa threw a party on christmas eve and it was SO loud that I started to get a headache and had to retreat to our room to get a break. JG laughed at me but totally understood.

The only problem was: Christmas. I don't celebrate Christmas. JG assured me that this wouldn't be an issue because neither did half of his family; they are Jewish. I don't celebrate Christmas because I'm not Christian and it doesn't feel right to me morally to participate. I don't agree with Christmas being the default holiday for anyone without a religion.

My moral issues with Christmas are touchy for people. They don't understand. They feel personally offended, etc. So I don't like to explain until I've known people a while. But here I was going into Christmas with people I didn't know. When the subject would come up, I'd try to explain simply that I didn't celebrate Christmas. One of JG's relatives took this to mean I was Jewish. lol. Others tried to tell me, "oh it's about family. It's not meant to be religious" so that I would play along.

Problem is, that's exactly my problem. Christmas IS religous. Its the celebrate the birth of their savior. It SHOULD be religious and should be reserved for those who believe in it. It is, in my opinion, disrespectful to 'play along' and celebrate Christmas when you don't believe in Christ.

His family wanted me to join in and his mother went as far as to buy me a present, over my objection. She actually called me to tell me that she wanted to get me a present. I told her that I would prefer if she didn't. She and I went back and forth a few times and ultimately she decided, "well I'll think about it. But if I decide to get you something, then you'll just have to deal with it!" Although I know she meant it in the nicest way, it was very pushy. I just about cried out of frustration and past emotions over the subject.

I wanted to go home.

Between his mother and his father and grandfather trying to conjole me into participating, I felt like my family. It was like no one was listening to me. No one was respecting my choice and decision as the adult I am. And in my family this equals a big, ugly fight; a fight to the death of wills. I wanted to go home before that started.

I told JG that I wanted to go home and why. He was devestated and upset. I felt bad for him, but I just wanted out of there. He decided he'd tell his mother to back off, but I didn't want him too. Again, this to me, meant a fight. I didn't want any fighting.I just wanted it to resolve itself without any arguing or hurt feelings. I was so frustrated that no one was just letting me be me; let me interact with the family as people, but not not particpate in christmas.

His mother decided to buy me a present, so JG and his sister conspired to hide it so she couldn't give it to me. Unfortunately, they weren't able to do it without me seeing, which just upset me; his mother disrespected my wishes.

The rest of the trip went well. There were a number of gatherings where I met countless relatives that I can't remember their names. I'll need a refresher course if I go next year. I scored major points with them with my awesome Sour Cream Apple Pie. The way to people's hearts are through the stomach!

We also went into the City and JG showed me the sights including Wall Street, Macy's window displays, Ground Zero, Battery Park/Statue of Liberty (but it was too cold to go out on the boats), rode the subways, Rockafeller plaza and I even ate a 'dirty water dog' (hot dog from a street vender). This was my first trip to NYC and it was great. We were completely exhausted by the end and were so happy to get to sit down in Time Square where we had dinner with his cousin. I was surprirsed that I wasn't sore the next morning.

The rest of the trip went well except for the night New Year's Eve, which I spent in the emergency room. I developed a UTI and needed treatment immediately. I was suppose to get on a plane the next morning and fly home. If I hadn't gone that evening, I would have had to wait until I got back home and by then everything would be closed and I'd have to wait another day. You can't wait for UTI's. Unfortunately, this meant I had to leave his Aunt's party. I tried to exit without too much fuss, but that's not possible in his family, especially since Grandpa had to drive me, JG insisted on coming and half the family are nurses who wanted to help. YIKES.

So a few bumps along the way, but overall a great visit.