How do I look?

As of today, I've lost 40#'s since starting WW on April 27, 2011. I've dropped several sizes and my body is changing shape.

I've recieved some positive comments at work and that's been really nice. I visited my brother a few weeks ago and he said, "You look terrific!" which was very sweet. My friend's kid (10 years old with no filter) told me that I 'looked strange.' I'm going to assume that he ment it as a good thing and he just could put his finger on what was different about me.

Strangely, those closest to me haven't said a word.

This weekend, I had to work. Since I was conducting interviews, I needed to be dressed up. I put on a classic black skirt, a new blouse in a complimentary color, a pair of cute black heels, pretty earrings and even a bit of make up. I thought I looked HOT! The outfit flattered my new curves, made me look tall and my butt rockin'.

JG? He didn't say a word. He looked at me as though I was wearing my usual jeans, sneakers and a button down shirt. Honestly, it crushed me a little. I mean, here I was thinking that I was a knock out and he doesn't so much as raise an eyebrow! Then I get to work and my committee is there and they don't say anything either!

I was super disappointed that no one else thought I looked great.

Cleaning the Garage

In the week following Mac's disappearance, I learned that he was alive and "ok." Then, I started to remove his things from the apartment. I just couldn't stand to look at it. I was hurt, angry and a mess. I started to move it out as a commitment and a promise to myself that under no circumstances is he allowed back.

I stockpiled all of his things in the garage and waited. Waited for him to communicate with me about how he wanted to retrieve his things. To talk to me about what happened. But as you know..... silence. Its was frustrating. I mean, I have his passport, green card, tax returns. Important stuff. He didn't even care enough about me or it to talk to me. You can imagine how that made me feel.

The first year he was gone and I heard nothing, I pretty much avoided the garage. I didn't want to look at his stuff. I couldn't.

The second year, just after I finally heard from him. I shredded his important documents, even his passport, green card and birth certificate. I started to rummage through the rest of it and found lots of things that were cool/useful or I still needed. I was able to look at it. Touch it. And not get emotional. It became just stuff.

We're approaching the third year anniversary of his abandonment (December 2011) and I think I'm finally ready. I'm ready to make final, definitive choices about every last bit of it.

My plan for this weekend is to go through it all and get it ALL sorted.

Destroy pile
Donate pile
Keep (only for useful; no sentimental reasons) pile

There's a wooden chest in the garage that holds papers. As you may or may not know, Mac and I met online and had a three year relationship over the Internet before finally meeting each other and planning his year long move to California. I have all our emails and IM's from our relationship in this chest. It also has presents, cards from flowers and other extremely personal correspondences and knick-knacks.

This is the only items that I hesitate to look at or make decisions about. I know that I need to destroy it all, but there's a part of me that want to read them all one last time before they go through the shredder. I don't know why. I don't know why I get a lump in my throat at the thought of it. I don't know why I feel like I can't give it up before I have something else to replace it (ie: a real commitment from JG).

But I know that I need to do this. I need to do this for me. I need to do this for my relationship with JG. I know that once this last bit is finally taken care of, he'll feel the difference in me. I think he'll be more confident to take the next step with me.

BAD week!

Oh what a week! This was definitely not an On-Plan week! They say that you should expect that 80% of the time, you can stick to the plan, but that 20% of the time your schedule/plan gets tossed out the window. That was my week.

I started out good. Monday = on-plan. Tuesday=on plan. Wednesday, the wheels started to come off! A committee that I was coordinating decided to go for Chinese food for a 'working lunch.' I tried to pick good things. I even used the WW cheat sheet on Chinese buffets. Problem was this wasn't a buffet and I didn't get to choose my meal or how much of each item.

Thursday= half on-plan. I ended up, unexpectedly, leaving work early and road-tripped it down to my home town where I met up with my only sane relative, my younger brother. He's blessed with a high metabolizism, which is good because he eats the worst food! We went for burritos as a local place. I had to guess how many points. I decided to use the Chipotle points already available in WW; The portion was smaller, so I'm sure I over pointed for it, but better safe than sorry. It was really tough to stay on plan around my brother. He was constantly eating a sugary treat of candy or cookies. Since he's polite, he'd always offer some to me.

Friday! I had breakfast at a "greasy spoon" restaurant. I did the best I could: 2 pieces of whole wheat toast, 1 egg, an 8oz glass of orange juice and two sausage links. I don't have a smart phone, so I didn't realize how terrible those links are!! 10 points EACH! Of course I didn't find this out until the following day when I had access to my computer, so the rest of Friday I was clueless about how many points I had left. I figured to be safe, I'd have a low point sandwich from Subway. I did some shopping and I'm sure I burned a few points doing that, but didn't track it. Friday night my brother wanted to take me to a Hawaiian BBQ place. He recommended a dish, and I ordered it. I should have asked more questions. A valuable lesson. Two of the elements were deep fried. It came with two large scoops of white rice AND a scoop of macaroni salad! Talk about a BAD choice! I didn't eat the 'salad' because I don't like mayo. I ate only one scoop of rice and tried to peel off the deep fried bits of my food.

Saturday I tried to get back on plan. I was road-tripping it back up the State to my home. I started the morning with a strawberry/blueberry fruit parfait from the grocery store with lowfat vanilla yogurt and a granola topping. Where I went wrong was the chocolate milk. Little did I know how many points that was! I finally made it home and had a vegetarian snack and then off to a birthday party where a professional chef was cooking! Heaven help me! I had too much meat, but otherwise did ok. I said no to cake and ice cream but yes to strawberries with chocolate dipping sauce.

Sunday.... not much better. Spent the day with the boyfriend, who as I've mentioned, doesn't know I'm on WW. I did ok with breakfast. Lunch was a little on the bad side and I went overboard on dinner.

End result: Over my weekly and activity points by 14! I've never run out of points! I was really dreading my weigh in this morning. I knew I deserved a 'gain' but I was very lucky and neither lost nor gain: exactly the same, to the tenth decimal.

I suppose it's actually not a bad thing, since the program keeps yelling at me that "I'm losing too quickly."This should lower my average!

Anyhow, I'm planning on it being a good week, a very good week. The weekdays should be great and then my boyfriend goes out of town for work for the next 8 days, which means the next two weekends should be easy too. I should be able to get back on plan and do it really well for the next two weeks.