So JG is in escrow and will be getting the keys to his new home by May 31st. For the past few weeks, we've both been recieving inquiries from his friends and his family about us moving in together, some even asking if we are getting married. Apparently in his family, you don't buy a house unless you are getting married. They don't understand why he'd just buy a house because the market is good.
Anyhow, both he and I have been answering this question with the simple, honest truth, "No, we are not moving in together. He is just buying a house; that's all."
Last night we were at a celebration party for a friend of his and we got the question again, "Are you two moving in together?" and he answered, "No, not yet."
This slight change in answer was a bit disconcerting for me, so I had to bring it up tonight. When I pointed out that his answer had changed ever so slightly, he conceeded that yes it had, but that he felt it still too soon for us to move in.
I completely agree.
However, since it's quite common these days for unmarried couples to live together, I felt it was important that we discuss when we feel it appropriate to move in. He views moving in together as a step towards marriage; a test run. I view it as a side-step to marriage and something I'm not interested in.
Mac and I moved in together after being together 4 years and lived together for 4 more years. I didn't learn any of the deal breaker information about him by living with him. I know that's why most people move in together, they think they are going to find out quicker about things they can't live with. But the truth is, you only learn things like how they like their toast, what household chore they hate most, etc. In fact, had Mac and I not moved in together, I would have realized the deal breaker much sooner. If we had lived seperately, it would have become very obvious, very quickly that he was incapable to living alone and being responsible enough to take care of the adult things you need to do when you live on your own. He wasn't a grown up and could never be an equal partner to me.
This doesn't apply to JG as I know already that he is very much an adult who is completely capable of living on his own and taking care of business. With him, I know that I'll have the opposite challenge; getting him to think as a couple rather than an individual and domesticating him (putting the toliet seat down, etc.).
So despite this not being an issue for him, I still do not wish to move in with him unless we are married. This is both from a practical/smart and emotionally smart perspective.
Practical: I live in affordable housing that takes 6-8 months to get in. If I moved in with JG, presumably I'd move into his house, since he owns it. If we didn't work out, I wouldn't be able to get back into affordable housing quickly and would need to live in the regular community which I can not afford. I won't put myself and my dog in that situation. There's no real committment within the relationship and I have no right to the housing. If we were married, at least I'd have a little bit of right to remain on the property, at least long enough to get another place.
Emotional: I know that when I live with my beloved, I tend to start thinking as a "we" rather and "I." This is very dangerous. The truth and reality is that there is no "we"; there is no committment. We are together until we are not. At any time, either of us could call it quits. Granted this is true for marriage as well, but that's harder to get out of.
The truth is, I do make choices and decisions based on a "we" and I've learned that's not appropriate. I learned the hard way that your sacrifices for the other, forgoing oppertunities, etc., is something you will regret if it all falls apart. If married, you should be doing all that for the good of the marriage and you can feel good that you did everything in your power to make it work. But when you do this for a boyfriend, then you just resent and regret the decisions.
I find that I get much too connected and intertwined with someone who hasn't made a real committment. So, I'll wait.
