Do I miss him?

I get this question a lot. The truth is yes..... and no. I miss the man who I laughed with every day, cuddled on the couch with, who held me when I cried and who would bring me little surprises from the grocery store. The man who was working hard to finish school and start a career. The man who worked with me on household projects. The man that I loved to travel with and who made road trips so much fun. He tried to be the man I deserved and wanted, but he couldn't. The best he could do was lie and pretend to be that man. Since he's been gone, I've uncovered who he really is: a compulsive liar who doesn't know the first thing about personal responsibility. He's someone who would rather live off of someone than with someone. A selfish man who only thinks about what is easier for him.

So I don't miss Mac. I miss the man I thought I had.

I think that in some ways, it makes it easier to get over him. I know that Mac isn't ever going to be that man and I know that he never really existed. So I don't waste time pining to get back with him or hoping to reconcile. I'm ready to find that man I thought I had, but for real this time.

Blade Cutter

I mowed a lawn for the first time!! Granted, it was with a weedwhacker, but still!! I have a small lawn, so I really didn't need a real lawn mower, so I purchased a used weedwhacker off of craigslist and had the men at Ace Hardware show me how to thread the line and I was set to go!! My puppy (who I have named TiVo), loves the grass so much!

I'd never mowed any lawn before, so I was glad that my first lawn was my own so that if I hacked it up, no one would care.

Lack of Affection

I never really was big on hugs, kisses or other physical contact with other people. But Mac changed that. He was a very affectionate person who loved to snuggle, hold hands and kiss. I became so use to it and grew fond of it. Every day he'd kiss me or hug me close or something; often he would do all of the above several times. Now that he's gone, I find myself missing being held and kisses and cuddled.

I never really understood the whole 're-bound' thing, before now. You go from having affection on a daily, almost hourly basis to absolutely nothing. It's hard. Now I understand why someone would have a rebound hookup. I've avoided doing that, not that I haven't had the opportunity, but because I know that I'd regret it later.

But it's pretty depressing to think of how long it will be before I will be kissed again or held by someone I love. It takes time to get to know someone well enough to have physical proximity.

Spreading the Love....

It's almost Mac's birthday and so I've been feeling a bit mean spirited; dreaming up ways to make his birthday suck. That's the least he deserves.

But I decided that instead of getting sucked into thinking about the wrong that's been done to me, I should tell the people who have done right by me, how much they mean to me. So I made it a point to post "love you's" to some of my friends on their facebook/myspace pages. It definately made me feel better. I wish that I would have had the time to leave notes for everyone, but if I didn't get to you, then let me just say, "I love you!! thanks for being such a great friend."