I find that when I'm not feeling secure in my relationship with JG, I gravitate towards my jewelry from Mac, particularly my wedding ring.
JG's been traveling a lot for work and he's been working 12-16 hour days when he's gone. So I've been feeling disconnected from him. He's only been home for a random weekend here and there, so when we are together, I've just been wanting to enjoy that and not talk to him about anything too deep.
This isn't the first time I've taken to wearing my wedding ring. And when I'm being honest with myself, I really want to wear my engagement ring, but I hold back and settle for the less obvious, wedding ring. My engagement ring is gorgeous, but huge and so clearly an engagement ring.
I think that I have the desire to wear it when I'm feeling insecure about JG because it reminds me that even if the relationship with JG were to fall apart, I was loved deeply once and that's more than most can say. When I wear it, it feels like My Mac (the guy I knew and loved, who died when he stepped out the door), is holding my hand and telling me that it'll be ok and to power through these feelings of insecurity. Like he wants me to have someone new to love.
But I wonder if I should fight the desire wear my ring. If that's unhealthy or abnormal, I'm not sure. Since I didn't actually get married, so the ring really isn't my wedding ring, just the ring that was suppose to be my wedding ring. I don't think that's a very substancial difference and it's honestly a weak arguement.
The other day I was wearing it and JG noticed it (the diamonds are super sparkly!) and he commented on how pretty it was. I was just glad he didn't ask where I'd gotten it!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Sick
I've been very ill for the past few weeks with a terrible chest congestion that just won't go away. I have no other symptoms; no coughing (other than to expel the mucus), no sore throat, no swollen glands, etc. After three weeks, I went to see a pulmonary specialist. I seemed to confuse the doctor and he isn't sure what's wrong with me so I'm signed up to take some tests in the next few weeks.
He's given me some asthma and allergy medication in the hopes that it's something as simple as that. I doubt it since I've never had either condition. So that fact that, other than stress from my family, there was no other reason for me to have gotten sick and that there are no other symptoms and that this is the 3rd time in 7 months I've had something similar, it has me freaking out a bit. I'm not sure what's wrong with me and neither are doctors and I'm going to need some expensive tests to attempt to figure it out.
To make matters worse, JG is leaving for weeks as I undergo these tests. It would be nice if he could come and hold my hand or at least give me a hug after it's all done. But he can't and I understand.
We've only been dating a few months and this mystery illness has me freaking out about he and I. If it turns out to be something terrible or chronic, then he might decide that he doesn't want to deal with it and get out early. This would make me terribly sad, but I would understand. I confessed I was scared of all this medical stuff and scared of what might be causing this illness. He tried to get me from getting too far ahead of myself, but I'm a planner and I have to make contingency plans. One of them being that I'm super sick and he bails.
I told him that I was scared, but not for me, but for him. He was confused and clearly didn't get it. I don't want him to put him through all of this; I want him to know he has a choice; a way out. I left because I was getting upset and unfortunately left him confused and irritated.
He left the next day for a conference on the East Coast.
When he came home, we talked about it some more and he finally understood what I meant. He still thinks I'm getting ahead of myself, and maybe I am, but he's decided that he's not going anywhere (figuratively, since he is actually going away again).
So it's nice that he's decided he's going to stay around, but I still think he's deciding that because he hasn't fully considered how sick I could actually be.
He's given me some asthma and allergy medication in the hopes that it's something as simple as that. I doubt it since I've never had either condition. So that fact that, other than stress from my family, there was no other reason for me to have gotten sick and that there are no other symptoms and that this is the 3rd time in 7 months I've had something similar, it has me freaking out a bit. I'm not sure what's wrong with me and neither are doctors and I'm going to need some expensive tests to attempt to figure it out.
To make matters worse, JG is leaving for weeks as I undergo these tests. It would be nice if he could come and hold my hand or at least give me a hug after it's all done. But he can't and I understand.
We've only been dating a few months and this mystery illness has me freaking out about he and I. If it turns out to be something terrible or chronic, then he might decide that he doesn't want to deal with it and get out early. This would make me terribly sad, but I would understand. I confessed I was scared of all this medical stuff and scared of what might be causing this illness. He tried to get me from getting too far ahead of myself, but I'm a planner and I have to make contingency plans. One of them being that I'm super sick and he bails.
I told him that I was scared, but not for me, but for him. He was confused and clearly didn't get it. I don't want him to put him through all of this; I want him to know he has a choice; a way out. I left because I was getting upset and unfortunately left him confused and irritated.
He left the next day for a conference on the East Coast.
When he came home, we talked about it some more and he finally understood what I meant. He still thinks I'm getting ahead of myself, and maybe I am, but he's decided that he's not going anywhere (figuratively, since he is actually going away again).
So it's nice that he's decided he's going to stay around, but I still think he's deciding that because he hasn't fully considered how sick I could actually be.
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