Nursing

JG had shoulder surgery this past weekend and I played "Nurse." This is the first time that either of us needed the other to care for other. He was understandably out of it for the first day and needed assistance for a little while. He recovered fairly quickly, expecially compared to my shoulder surgery experience.

He's a pretty easy patient. Unlike most men, he's not a big baby when he's not feeling well. He's also good at accepting the help when he needs it. More "brownie points" for him; he's a pretty amazing guy and the more I find out about him the more in love I fall.

New York, here I come

Today I bought my ticket to New York City! JG invited me to spend the Christamas holiday with his family. I don't celebrate Xmas, but it'll be a good oppertunity to spend a significant amount of time with him and his family.

I'm having a little bit of a freak out about having purchased my ticket 4 months in advance. I mean, JG and I have only been together about 9 months. I suppose it's reasonable for me to hesistant to make major plans with someone, considering that Mac walked out on me after 8 years, with no warning. I'm trying not to allow myself to freak out and give in to the affects of my baggage, but it's hard to not freak out a little.

I'm trying to focus on the good. I've never been to NYC and have always wanted to go. I get to spend lots of time with JG. I might get to see snow falling for the first time.

Mom comes to town

7/19-21

I was a little nervous these past few days. JG's mom, sister and mom's boyfriend came to visit! A few months ago, I met the grandma's, but mom is always an important one. You want the mom to like you!

I think she liked me well enough. She's kinda nosy and asks a lot of questions. Questions I'd rather not answer! She wanted to know about my family and my relationship with them. Things I really didn't want to talk about. JG wasn't much help, since she waits until she's alone with me to ask me questions like this. I tried to deflect as much as I could, but I'm not one for deception. I tell the truth when asked a direct question. I don't think she liked my answers, but they are the truth.

His sister, Morgen, is awesome! She's 16 and the sweetest girl ever with a great sense of humor. We got along famously!

All in all, I think I passed the 'mom-test.'

Insecurity Jewelry

I find that when I'm not feeling secure in my relationship with JG, I gravitate towards my jewelry from Mac, particularly my wedding ring.


JG's been traveling a lot for work and he's been working 12-16 hour days when he's gone. So I've been feeling disconnected from him. He's only been home for a random weekend here and there, so when we are together, I've just been wanting to enjoy that and not talk to him about anything too deep.


This isn't the first time I've taken to wearing my wedding ring. And when I'm being honest with myself, I really want to wear my engagement ring, but I hold back and settle for the less obvious, wedding ring. My engagement ring is gorgeous, but huge and so clearly an engagement ring.


I think that I have the desire to wear it when I'm feeling insecure about JG because it reminds me that even if the relationship with JG were to fall apart, I was loved deeply once and that's more than most can say. When I wear it, it feels like My Mac (the guy I knew and loved, who died when he stepped out the door), is holding my hand and telling me that it'll be ok and to power through these feelings of insecurity. Like he wants me to have someone new to love.

But I wonder if I should fight the desire wear my ring. If that's unhealthy or abnormal, I'm not sure. Since I didn't actually get married, so the ring really isn't my wedding ring, just the ring that was suppose to be my wedding ring. I don't think that's a very substancial difference and it's honestly a weak arguement.

The other day I was wearing it and JG noticed it (the diamonds are super sparkly!) and he commented on how pretty it was. I was just glad he didn't ask where I'd gotten it!

Sick

I've been very ill for the past few weeks with a terrible chest congestion that just won't go away. I have no other symptoms; no coughing (other than to expel the mucus), no sore throat, no swollen glands, etc. After three weeks, I went to see a pulmonary specialist. I seemed to confuse the doctor and he isn't sure what's wrong with me so I'm signed up to take some tests in the next few weeks.

He's given me some asthma and allergy medication in the hopes that it's something as simple as that. I doubt it since I've never had either condition. So that fact that, other than stress from my family, there was no other reason for me to have gotten sick and that there are no other symptoms and that this is the 3rd time in 7 months I've had something similar, it has me freaking out a bit. I'm not sure what's wrong with me and neither are doctors and I'm going to need some expensive tests to attempt to figure it out.

To make matters worse, JG is leaving for weeks as I undergo these tests. It would be nice if he could come and hold my hand or at least give me a hug after it's all done. But he can't and I understand.

We've only been dating a few months and this mystery illness has me freaking out about he and I. If it turns out to be something terrible or chronic, then he might decide that he doesn't want to deal with it and get out early. This would make me terribly sad, but I would understand. I confessed I was scared of all this medical stuff and scared of what might be causing this illness. He tried to get me from getting too far ahead of myself, but I'm a planner and I have to make contingency plans. One of them being that I'm super sick and he bails.

I told him that I was scared, but not for me, but for him. He was confused and clearly didn't get it. I don't want him to put him through all of this; I want him to know he has a choice; a way out. I left because I was getting upset and unfortunately left him confused and irritated.

He left the next day for a conference on the East Coast.

When he came home, we talked about it some more and he finally understood what I meant. He still thinks I'm getting ahead of myself, and maybe I am, but he's decided that he's not going anywhere (figuratively, since he is actually going away again).

So it's nice that he's decided he's going to stay around, but I still think he's deciding that because he hasn't fully considered how sick I could actually be.

Moving In

So JG is in escrow and will be getting the keys to his new home by May 31st. For the past few weeks, we've both been recieving inquiries from his friends and his family about us moving in together, some even asking if we are getting married. Apparently in his family, you don't buy a house unless you are getting married. They don't understand why he'd just buy a house because the market is good.

Anyhow, both he and I have been answering this question with the simple, honest truth, "No, we are not moving in together. He is just buying a house; that's all."

Last night we were at a celebration party for a friend of his and we got the question again, "Are you two moving in together?" and he answered, "No, not yet."

This slight change in answer was a bit disconcerting for me, so I had to bring it up tonight. When I pointed out that his answer had changed ever so slightly, he conceeded that yes it had, but that he felt it still too soon for us to move in.

I completely agree.

However, since it's quite common these days for unmarried couples to live together, I felt it was important that we discuss when we feel it appropriate to move in. He views moving in together as a step towards marriage; a test run. I view it as a side-step to marriage and something I'm not interested in.

Mac and I moved in together after being together 4 years and lived together for 4 more years. I didn't learn any of the deal breaker information about him by living with him. I know that's why most people move in together, they think they are going to find out quicker about things they can't live with. But the truth is, you only learn things like how they like their toast, what household chore they hate most, etc. In fact, had Mac and I not moved in together, I would have realized the deal breaker much sooner. If we had lived seperately, it would have become very obvious, very quickly that he was incapable to living alone and being responsible enough to take care of the adult things you need to do when you live on your own. He wasn't a grown up and could never be an equal partner to me.

This doesn't apply to JG as I know already that he is very much an adult who is completely capable of living on his own and taking care of business. With him, I know that I'll have the opposite challenge; getting him to think as a couple rather than an individual and domesticating him (putting the toliet seat down, etc.).

So despite this not being an issue for him, I still do not wish to move in with him unless we are married. This is both from a practical/smart and emotionally smart perspective.

Practical: I live in affordable housing that takes 6-8 months to get in. If I moved in with JG, presumably I'd move into his house, since he owns it. If we didn't work out, I wouldn't be able to get back into affordable housing quickly and would need to live in the regular community which I can not afford. I won't put myself and my dog in that situation. There's no real committment within the relationship and I have no right to the housing. If we were married, at least I'd have a little bit of right to remain on the property, at least long enough to get another place.

Emotional: I know that when I live with my beloved, I tend to start thinking as a "we" rather and "I." This is very dangerous. The truth and reality is that there is no "we"; there is no committment. We are together until we are not. At any time, either of us could call it quits. Granted this is true for marriage as well, but that's harder to get out of.

The truth is, I do make choices and decisions based on a "we" and I've learned that's not appropriate. I learned the hard way that your sacrifices for the other, forgoing oppertunities, etc., is something you will regret if it all falls apart. If married, you should be doing all that for the good of the marriage and you can feel good that you did everything in your power to make it work. But when you do this for a boyfriend, then you just resent and regret the decisions.

I find that I get much too connected and intertwined with someone who hasn't made a real committment. So, I'll wait.

You want to meet my family?

This vacation has been a lot of fun and we've had the time to have a few important conversations. One of which was one that we'd briefly talked about before, meeting my family. Since I've just met his grandmother and we have plans for me to meet the rest of his family in the next few months, the topic has been on the front burner.

Prior to this trip, we'd had a conversation about it. I'd wanted to how long I had before this became a serious issue/fight between us. Given the current status of things, I see this happening for a few years or maybe not at all. I'm trying to move forward and seeing my mom take back a man who had taken advantage of her and embarrassed her, like Mac had done to me, is not healthy for me right now.

He understands all this and hasn't been insisting on meeting them immediately, but he said he wants to meet them 'before the wedding bells ring' which didn't give me any indication of how long that actually will be. If I had a least some idea that would help me plan.

So now after meeting his grandmother, on the heels of my last conversation with my mom and having time to talk on this vacation, the subject was raised again. I told him that I could probably get things between my parents and I to a 'neutral' status in 6-8 months, if I had to. He said "that would work good enough" (should I read that as 6-8 months will be when he expects wedding bells to ring??? No time to worry about that right now).

I asked what 'meeting my parent's' meant to him. Did that mean a five second introduction? Did he need to have dinner with them? Did he need to spend a holiday with them? What constitutes, "meeting"? Thankfully he said, any of these would meet that definition.

As you know, I've never exactly fit into my family. My plan had always been that when I moved away to college, I would go into a five year period of withdrawl. I would completely disconnect from my family in the hopes that when I returned, that the dynamics might actually change. That they might decide that they don't know me anymore and give me a chance to be me, because I'm not me when I'm with them. I have to play a character that I don't like. I didn't end up doing this because Mac was in my life and he wanted to have a relationship with my family. We were getting serious and it would be nice to have my family in attendance at my wedding. So I didn't do this and I regret it.

I explained to JG that I'd made a mistake in not pulling away because of my partner's wishes. Now that he's gone, I'm the one that has to live with this, not him. So now I'm faced with issues with my family and I need the freedom to do whatever it is I need to do, which may mean that he won't get to meet them. JG and I have only been dating 6 months and although I love him and I think he could be The One, I can't make the same mistake of compromising what I need to do to have healthy boundries with my family for someone else; someone that may or may not be a forever partner.

Thankfully he understood and withdrew his request to meet my parents; that I need to do whatever I need to do and if he get the oppertunity to meet them, he will, but he won't make it an issue. WHEW!

Meet the family

If you recall, back in January, the night we became 'official,' JG asked me to go with him to a conference in Huntington Beach. I accepted since I figured, we might not be together then anyhow, so what's the harm in accepting?

Before I knew it, it was two months later, I'd fallen in love with him (but SSSSHHHH, that's a secret that I didn't tell him until the first night on the road) and we were packing for vacation (well, vacation for me; conference for him)! His conference didn't start until Monday, but he wanted to leave Saturday morning for LA so that we could meet up with his Grandmother and her wife!!! YIKES is right! Meeting family!! This guy puts me in heart failure constantly!

So of course the entire week leading up to this, I'm hyperventiliating and worried to death. My grandparents aren't what you call, 'normal or nice' so the word "grandmother" was enough to set me in a tailspin as it is!

The whole car ride, I'm tense and he's trying to get me to relax and assuring me that his grandmother and her wife are sweet, loving and nice. I didn't believe him, as my experience with grandmothers is very different. But I said, I would be more than happy to have him say, "I told you so" at the end of the day. My anxiety during the car trip was in part due to meeting his grandmothers, but also in part of trying to figure out what all this meant (see today's other post)

So we arrived at the hotel in LA where his grandmothers were staying. They'd gotten us an ajoining room as a birthday present for JG. I met Grandma and Madge and JG was right, they are GREAT! We sat around and talked then went to the hotel restuarant for dinner and then hung out in the room some more talking. Thankfully they didn't press me too much on things like family. Just the normal stuff, work, education, politics, current events, spirituality perspectives, etc. Which I know, most people would be uncomfortable with, but I honestly prefer that to discussing my family. JG and his grandmother spent a lot of the time catching up with each other which left me to just hang back and listen.

By the time we'd left the next afternoon, the grandmas were happy, seemed to really like me, and invited me to visit with them in Palm Springs (oh and to bring JG too ). So I think I got the big thumbs up from them!

PS- A few weeks later, I got the sweetest, hand written card from them telling me how much they enjoyed meeting me and hoped that JG and I continued to develop our 'friendship.'

Making plans

Since the first week of dating, JG wanted to make it very clear to me that he wasn't moving any time soon. He's been moving about every 2 years since he was 18 and he wanted me to know that he was ready to 'find a place to hang his hat.'


I on the other hand, have not moved hardly at all. I left my hometown in August of 2003 and have lived in Monterey ever since. I finished my BS, stayed for my MA then got my current job right as I was graduating. I stayed in Monterey because Mac was going to school. Had it not been for Mac, I probably would have moved somewhere else after grad school.


I've been doing quite well in my career and have been making strides to climb the ladder. In my industry, you generally have to 'move out to move up.' It's very difficult to climb the ladder within the same District.


JG and I got into a discussion about this.


The reality is, that I may need to move for my career to another part of California. My boss is looking to retire in a few years and I'm being groomed to take her place, but that doesn't guarentee that I'll get the postion nor does it mean that I'll be ready to step up when she decides to go. If I'm not ready and someone else beats me out of the job, I know I'll be ready a few years later and will need to move to get my chance.


With Mac, this wouldn't be a problem. He'd follow me wherever I went. JG on the other hand, has a sucessful career of his own.

For now, this is obviously a non-issue. The decision point in my career is probably 2-3 years from now and who knows what will happen with JG and I. But I can't help but wonder how it would play out if he and I were married. Am I willing to give up taking that next step for him/the family we'd be thinking of starting? etc.

With Mac, I made these kinds of decisions 'knowing' that he and I were a forever deal. The eality was that we weren't. There was no 'US.' Having learned that lesson the hard way. I plan on completely ignoring my relationship with JG when I make major life decision, until we are actually married.

Let's go house hunting!

"I'm sorry, what?! House hunting?"


The real estate market in California has tanked and now is the best time to buy. I have looked into the possibily of buying a place, but unfortunately, it's a little out of my price range right now. It'll be possible in a about three years, but by then, the housing market will probably be more expensive and I still won't be able to afford it.


This is not the case for JG. He CAN afford a house and is ready to buy. Tonight he asked me what I was doing this weekend and I told him that I planned on test driving some cars (my car either needs to get a somewhat expensive repair or I need to buy a new one). He was a little disappointed and I asked him what he had in mind.


"Well, I was hoping you would come with me to meet with a realtor and maybe even look at some houses today."


I just about died. HOUSE HUNTING?!?! We've only been dating 4 months! Why would you ask your girlfriend of 4 months to come house hunting with you? Unless......


Yes, you filled in the blank too.... "unless he thinks that someday soon it'll be half my house."


So, I've been hyperventilating lately. I'm so not ready for that thought to be in my head!


I told him that I was going car shopping and when he settles on a realtor and he has some listings, I'll go with him. I figured this would give me time to freak out and then calm down before having to do this.


I love JG (and no, I haven't told him yet), but I'm so not ready to thinking about this kind of stuff. I'm not ready for the implications.


Thank you to my friends who panicked with me too and then talked me down. I just need to keep telling myself, "It's not because he is thinking that this is my future too, he simply values my opinion and wants to hear it. I'm only going along to provide commentary and comedy, that's it!" We'll see how well that works for me.

It's Official

Tonight I went out with my two gal-pals/partners in crime, Emily and Elise.


Elise and I went to an art gallery party where we got to look at the exhibit while drinks food and loud music rocked the musuem. After a few hours there, we decided to leave and kidnap Emily from her evening job (Quit already, will ya?!) and head to the bar.


Emily & Elise decided that tonight is the night they should meet this new man of mine. So I gave him a call and invited him, giving him plenty of oppertunity to back out of it. But he surprised me and said, "Yeah, ok. I think I'm ready for my formal interview."


I haven't introduced JG to nearly anyone on my side although I've met all his friends and even some co-workers of his. I'm not sure why I haven't. I think in part, I've always grown up with keeping my friends in their own little compartments; not really having my friends from different parts of my life blend together. The other part being that most of my friends don't live around here and I keep in contact via phone, email and this blog. And the other part, I think it was to protect him a little. I love you all dearly, but! after Mac, some of you are a little overproective and I love you for it. It's just a little much for a new guy who doesn't know why everyone is so protective of me other than the regular love for me.


So he joined the three of us at the bar and he endoured. However, I thought I was going to die of embarrassment when Emily, in particular though Elise got hers too, began to drop the B-bomb! Yes, Emily decides to find as many ways as possible to work into the conversation the word, "Boyfriend" and reference it to him. Since he was sitting next to me, I couldn't see his face to see if it had twisted into a face of horror or not.


For weeks, Emily and Elise have been insisting that JG is my "boyfriend" while I subbornly stick to "the gentleman I'm dating." They figure since I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is he, I spend a lot of time with him, I've met his friends, that this means he's my boyfriend. I disagree.


Redfaced after leaving Emily and Elise, Jordan accompanied me home and I apologized for my friend's use of the b-word. I told him that the word wasn't because I was using it or that I've been referring to him that ways; it was entirely Emily and Elise who have assigned the title. To which he replied, "well, that's a pity."


I was a bit shocked, but pressed further, "so, would you like the title?"


"I'm not really into titles, but it seems to fit."


"Oh! Well, because a title like that tends to imply certain things and have expectations. Such as, neither of us are going to date anyone else and that we are going forward towards what hopefully culminates in marriage."


"I know. I've already been in that place for months. I've just been waiting for you to feel the same. Do you?"


"Yes"



So it is official..... JG is my boyfriend and I am his girlfriend. I personally don't like those titles. Thirteen year olds have boyfriends. There should be another word in the English language to distinguish between teenage romance and adult romance.



He stayed the night again and in the morning light he asked, "I know it's still far off, but would you like to come with me to a conference in Huntington Beach in April and then again in July to San Diego?"


I said yes, but honestly, it was a little scary. This guy is making plans for us to go on vacation together two months in adanvance in one case and five months in advance in another! We haven't even been seeing each other five months and he's making plans!! I have to admit that in the back of my mind, I was a little scared and not as sure as he that we would be together by then. We'll see and I will try to keep myself from freaking out about it.